What a bad evening. At least it ended well. Sort of. Not the way I would have wanted. But at least plans have been put into motion to fix things. Its just not fair. But thats life. You get sick of life dishing out shit sooner or later though, and you hate seeing friends suffer.

I'm just the kind of person who wants to be there every second and every moment with a friend and loved one when they feel pain, just to make sure there ok. I try my damndest to make things allright again, and when nothing I can do can make it ok, it hurts a bit.

I get attatched to people, friends. People that connect to me deeply, who are able to touch a certain part of my soul. Im lucky enough that suddenly I have three people in my life like that, tree people who have suddenly become what I would consider to be a family. I care for them. I love them. My emotional attatchment is partly due to how I have lived for the past several years of my life- in a tribe like that, amongst Rom, you develop close bonds and seek family, the tribe becomes your life and your sanctuary. So it has become with my new family here, ouside of the Rom, although one his halfway across the world and I have never met her in the flesh, and one is across the state line, and the only one I have at my side is my lover, who is equally attatched to both as I am.

Normally I am not one to easily break down, but I suppose with all that has come to pass in my personal life these past few days, my resolve simply shattered a bit. I saw pain and I cried because I had no ability to do more than stare helplessly at a screen filled with words, my hands could neither heal nor hold, nor reach out as I would have wished.

Among the Rom, you become so used to physical contact, constant and close contact, that it becomes second nature to reach out and ache to comfort in any way possible. You can read emotions on peoples faces, clear enough, and in their body language, their touch. There is an entire unspoken language amongst them that I miss with all my heart, and I am like a drifter cast at sea in a suddenly new and alien world, with a new job, being forced to adjust to people again. I cant remeber what my mindset was before I came to the Rom, perhaps I was alien to them before I learned their ways. But people here confuse me because I can not read them, or understand the subtleties of their body language, things I instinctively look for beyond mere speech. I suppose, in a sense, my thinking is perhaps more like that of an animal by comparison to the usual human being.

It is these pressures that have built up over time to a point where I can not seem to stand as strong as I might for those I would wish to help and to protect that cause my sadness.

It is times like these when I wish I could take a fiddle out to the wood and play for those that would listen in the darkness, until they grant me the oblivion of sleep at the roots of their trees.